Needing Another to Change

Empathizing with the person irritating you by seeing the frustrating situation from his or her point of view can save us a lot of stress. It really is true that the person we are upset with is really doing the best he or she can. If he or she could do otherwise, then he or she would. And if the person upsetting us is ever going to be able to change his or her pattern such as being late, we have to approach the issue of change with love. Remember the mantra of compassion. Take a deep breath and silently tell the person:

I know in my heart that you would have done differently if you could have done differently but you couldn’t so you didn’t.

If we are harboring a need for someone to change, then anything we do will not be helpful. Even if unstated, the pressure of our need to change them can be felt by the other person. He or she may actually pick up a slight tension in our body. So we need to relax and accept the person as he or she is. Paradoxically, change can occur when we give up our need to change someone.

In other words, to help someone change, we must feel acceptance, compassion, and empathy for them in the current context and in the context of their overall life. For example, Dennis, a man in his thirties, was having a hard time with his wife, Sue. She was terribly jealous. Sue had a tendency to feel left out if he did anything with his male friends. Sue had grown up as the only girl with four brothers. She was younger than her brothers. When she tried to fit in during the banter at dinner, she was ignored. Sue felt left out and it hurt her deeply. At first, Dennis would get irritated with Sue’s jealousy.

Then, as Dennis considered Sue’s behavior in the context of her life, he could feel compassion for the little girl who felt so hurt and so left out. This didn’t mean he would not help her to heal this hurt. It just meant that he would be more understanding on the one hand when she attacked him with her hurt feelings. On the other hand, he could calmly help her see her pattern and could reassure her that he loved her and that she had not missed out on anything. She used to be so eaten-up by envy of her brothers doing things with her father. Dennis saw how he could help her stop having her old wound ripped open over and over again.

Consider for a moment taking an ultimately radical position of compassion. One of the steps to happiness outlined in the Buddhist book, Eight Steps to Happiness, involves “accepting defeat and offering the victory.” When someone gets upset with you, imagine taking full responsibility for his or her upset. You avoid defending yourself. You accept defeat in the sense that you accept you must have done something to trigger the other person’s upset no matter how minor. This is a very creative, compassionate, and caring position and runs contrary to our reptile reactivity.

This is also an ultimately powerful position. It is not to foster a crippling guilt; it is to practice deepening your compassion and gaining greater freedom, peace, and happiness. You are relinquishing your narcissistic dependency on other people seeing you as good and not bad. No longer are you ruled by the underlying universal issue from childhood that unconsciously is reexperienced through our adult relationships: “Mommy, don’t leave me! Don’t be angry at me! I won’t be bad! I’ll be good!”

Clearly, as with Sue, we all have sensitive areas that provide most of the fuel for the fire of any current upset. Ninety-percent of Sue’s upset with Dennis was because his actions triggered her early pain over feeling left out. When Dennis accessed the compassion and love in his heart, he could genuinely feel bad that he had done even the slightest thing to trigger Sue’s pattern of feeling left out. He could see that if he had been more careful and considerate of her feelings, she would probably not have gotten so upset.

Today, practice creative compassion. Remember, if you open your heart to the person upsetting you with acceptance, compassion, and empathy, then the person is free to change and you are free as well. You move from irritation to liberation as you realize that your peace and happiness do not depend on anyone or anything external to you. For you have everything you need within your heart for your peace and happiness. After all is said and done, it’s all simply a matter of love.