Keeping the Flame Alive

Only one who remains unaffected by honor
and insult can keep the divine flame alive.
—Swami Rama

Keeping the flame of the candle within you burning, the light of love in your innermost heart shining, involves recognizing when you are tempted to tense up and hold your breath when anger arises after someone has insulted or offended you. The flame of the divine in you is fanned by slow, deep breathing. Literally, the incoming oxygen stokes the tiny furnaces (mitachondria) in the cells of your body. As your muscles relax around your blood vessels, your blood flows freely as does your life-force energy. And, by slaying the dragon of dependency, you focus on inner peace. You simply remind yourself that you are NOT dependent on something external to yourself to feel good and be at peace. For you can feel good instantly by taking a slow, deep breath. You remind yourself that the core of your being, your innermost heart, houses love: the ultimate power operating in the universe.

When you feel offended, the anger and subsequent tension that threaten to extinguish the divine flame in you, need not be the result of deeply buried traumas. The stress you feel can be the triggered by the need to prove you are right. This need can cause needless strife and conflict. This is one of heads of the dragon of dependency: “I need, or I am dependent, on others to see that I am right and I need their external validation and/or admiration to feel good and be at peace.” In psychoanalytic terms, such needs fall into the category of narcissistic needs. Like Narcissus in Greek mythology, we can become enamored of the idealized self image we project to the world and want to see reflected back to us. When that self image is challenged, the result can be narcissistic rage: “You make me look bad and I’ll get you back and make you look bad.” In the extreme such rage can lead to murder; in lesser forms it can lead to unnecessary arguments, hurt feelings, and so forth.

Here is an ordinary and trivial example. Last week, a friend picked me up to take me to a meeting. Bob Seger was belting out Old Time Rock and Roll on the radio. I excitedly related to her that this was the song Tom Cruise made even more famous when he danced to it in his underwear in the 1983 film Risky Business. ‘Oh that’s not it,” she said with a dismissive air of condescending certainty. “It was another song that I can’t quite recall.” For an instant, I felt a surge of anger, propelling me to retaliate against the perceived put down. I was allowing myself to be affected by insult. I was certain I was right, and I felt a strong urge to react to her condescending tone. I would show her and prove I was right by suggesting we go on the internet and verify it.

Instead, I curbed my urge and let it go. I took a slow, deep breath, thinking cool as I breathed in and calm as I breathed out. I engaged in the inner quest with a question. “Do I really need for her to see and acknowledge that I was right? No. I don’t It’s not important.” I then slew the dragon of dependency by breathing in and silently affirming, “I AM NOT dependent on you knowing I’m right to feel good and be at peace.” Breathing out, I silently reminded myself, “I feel good and at peace right now as I let go of my need to be right.”

• Today, notice when the need for others to see you as being right comes up and experiment with pairing the words cool and calm with some slow, deep breathing. Then, engage in the inner quest with a question. “Is it important for others to see me as right?” It might be, such as in a business meeting. But by doing slow, deep breathing and questioning yourself, you can center yourself. You can then coolly and calmly assert your position without the emotional charge of feeling insulted or offended when others disagree. You thereby keep the divine flame within you alive.