Four Blocks to Awakening the Heart

“At the same time that we validate another’s feelings,” Tacomi said, “we must realize these feelings come from a self that is not real. We must see it as an illusion if we’re to be truly free of suffering.”

“But, Tacomi,” I said, “a sense of self is necessary for emotional health. How do we reconcile a sense of self with this idea that the self needs to be seen as not real, as insubstantial, if we are to be truly free of suffering?’’ I asked.

“Awakening the heart is the first step,” he said. “And there are four things that block the awakening of the heart. The first is unnecessary speech geared to words seeking to impress. The second is unnecessary thoughts or fantasies of being impressive. The third is unnecessary tension in our bodies as we go through our day. This tension is born of our concern over how others see us: over our self-image. The fourth is unnecessary indulging of the negative emotions of anger, fear, and depression that all arise from the self.”

“I would call that our narcissistic reliance on the approval and validation of others. Our sense of self seeks validation. This has been one of my biggest problems in my love relationships,” I said. “But so has my addiction to accomplishment. My self-image as a hero strove to rush in and save and to solve. I now see how narcissistic I was being in acting as a hero-savior in love relationships.”

This was a big admission for me. I then added, “As so many men, I am addicted to accomplishment. From what you say, I can just reframe that and make my major accomplishment being free of a self that needs to accomplish.”

“You are getting the idea,” he said.

“In other words, I can make listening be what I need to accomplish and not solving what the woman I love is upset about. This is what I truly need to accomplish. I need to accomplish what Freud called ‘evenly hovering attention.’”

“Reality is empty,” he said. “We’re at one with ultimate reality when we realize we are empty. Others are empty, too. However, we must see them as precious and have compassion for them.”
“That’s a brain twister,” I said. “How can we think of others as precious and empty or insubstantial?” I asked.

“For another time,” he answered and began to fade as I succumbed to the arms of Morpheus. At bedtime, my father used to say to me, “It’s time to succumb to the arms of Morpheus.”
Tacomi’s wisdom reminded me of my father’s. The scene disappeared as I left rem sleep to enter the peaceful darkness of deep sleep. Was this a glimpse of the emptiness that brings us peace?

• Today, take notice of the times you are engaging in any of the four blocks to awakening your heart and freeing yourself of suffering. Notice how good it can feel to let go of the need to impress and the tension in your body and negative emotions to which it can give riseWhen the need is thwarted.