Residual Anger & Self Esteem

The moment Shiva faded from view, something hit me. There is another aspect to the anger all human beings carry inside. To varying degrees, we all have some residual anger over not feeling loved, valued, and appreciated by the people in our family when we were growing up, especially our parents and siblings.

Hadn’t my friend Anthony, the Italian-tell-it-like-it-is psychiatrist (chapter six), said it well. One day, sitting by his pool, he looked at me and said, “Since med-school, I’ve spent a quarter of a million dollars in analysis and analytic training to realize what all psychiatric problems boil down to. When we’re treated like a piece of sh-t as a kid, we grow up to believe we’re a piece of sh-t. We then act like a piece of sh-t and people treat us like a piece of sh-t.”

I had responded to Anthony by saying, “We’re angry that we were treated like a piece of sh-t. And we search for someone to love and redeem us, but find a lover who treats us like a piece of sh-t!”
As I now think about it, we search for that special someone to give us love and appreciation. But, ultimately, we need to give that love and appreciation to ourselves. We need to stop the outer quest for love and begin the inner quest to love and accept ourselves.

• Today, consider how we need to forgive our parents and siblings for their flaws and love them flaws and all. We need to slay the dragon and release loved ones from the need to tell us we are not a piece of sh-t. We don’t need anyone or anything external to love us and validate our worth. We did need that external love as a child; but, as an adult, we need to confirm our own worth. Self-esteem and self-love come from self. Not other. They are internal. Not external.