Golden Rule of Assertiveness

When we relinquish our narcissistic need to live up to an idealized self-image, we can find the peace of being no-body. Of course, I mean this in two ways. I mean the peace that comes from the humility of being nobody special and not having an idealized self-image to defend. I also mean the peace that comes from realizing we are not just our body. We are more than our body. We are spiritual beings inhabiting bodies and in our hearts, at the core of our being, we are treasures of the enduring spiritual energy of love. Realizing this is our divine destiny.

The paradox is that in recognizing we are nobody and no body, we are also recognizing our own and other’s inner divinity. Some of us are more aware of our divinity and that of others. Those who are not may need reminding by confronting them with how badly they are behaving. This involves the following statement that I presented to my patients as the golden rule of assertiveness:

Do unto others what you would have others do
unto you if you just behaved as badly as they did.

Let’s say you are standing in line at the grocery store and someone, acting with total disregard, jumps in line ahead of you. You ask yourself, “What do I feel would be acceptable for someone to say or do to me if I just cut in line?” How assertively would you like someone to be in reminding you of how badly you just behaved? This can guide us as to what to say or do. Allowing others to walk all over us does not help us or them evolve to a higher level of love and respect. We need to honor ourselves and others and, through our assertiveness, we can encourage others to do the same.

There is a lovely Buddhist meditation described in the book Eight Steps to Happiness. It mirrors what I have been describing. In this meditation, you focus on taking away the suffering of all living beings and sending them pure happiness. The instructions are as follows:

". . . we inhale through our nostrils the suffering, delusions, and non-virtues of all living beings in the form of black smoke, which dissolves into our heart . . . As we exhale, we imagine that our breath in the aspect of wisdom-light, its nature pure unaffected happiness, pervades the entire universe. Each and every living being receives whatever they need and desire, and in particular the supreme happiness of permanent inner peace."

• Today, you could use a more limited version of this meditation. Simply imagine breathing in the pain of your loved one(s) and watch it dissolve in your heart and transform into the light of love. As you exhale, you send them this light of love to replace their pain.